To question what you actually want.

It is true what they say about life being all about ups and downs. You cant possibly be really happy without knowing that somewhere around the corner a big hard thud awaits you. It's uncanny the way it always happens. Makes agnostics like me question the presence of spiritual force a little less than usual.We need to know unhappiness to truly appreciate the happy moments.

I am technically going through a "down" in my life. I say "technically" because.... well.... there is another side to it as well. A week back I felt rejection hit me from all sides. Although this time it was to do with something purely academic it brought back memories of every rejection that I have suffered in the past whether it was to do with my work, love or even life in general. 

This emotion called rejection. It always feels the same. No matter what it is. It gives you that exact same feeling of disappointment and that sinking feeling of sadness that one associates with heartbreak.And oh! I did feel heartbroken. It was shocking because it is a feeling I hadn't really experienced in a very very very long time. That sheer inability to sleep, eat or do anything that normal humans should do, it was a feeling that I associated with bad times in the past and needless to say, it gave me a sickening sense of deja vu. However, in the midst of it all, I was still able to experience a slight happiness that I only realized much later.  It was brought about by the fact that although I was feeling heartbroken, this time it had nothing to do with a stupid boy who wasn't worth it. Even though the depression din't really help, it was nice to know that I have at the very least managed to get my priorities back on track.

And yes, I am sitting at home pretty much jobless at the moment. However, when I wake up every morning to Velyamma's cup of coffee or sit on the PS 2 with my sister (who is very soon not going to be a child anymore, she is already taller than I am, sigh) I find that it doesn't really bother me. In fact, I enjoy every single second of this chilling time.It has also dawned on me that these days are short lived and that as much as we expect them to, things never stay the same.

I spent years in this house when I was in school hating it and hating this town. I missed Chennai and the friends I grew up with. When I come back here for the holidays from college though, it is completely different. Being away from here has made me realize how attached I actually am. Going driving through places where I spent days playing cricket with my friends or "practicing" for "DD's club performances" (the beauty of these words lie in the fact that there are only 3 other people who truly know and understand the emotions behind them) or just sitting outside "hasta - shilpa" the local "haunted house" gossiping about silly things makes me nostalgic. I miss those times and they make me glad that I spent the important years of my  life in a small town. In a strange way, it extended my childhood.

I have years ahead to fight with the world and work and be all busy and professional.

These days when I can sit like this in a place I love and play on the PS 2 with my kid sister are numbered.

I now realize that I have been confusing the ups of life with the downs for a very long time.